Sandpaper

There seems to be one in every group. You know, the person who just seems to rub you the wrong way or as hard as you try, you just can't seem to find anything in common with them. You probably have been in a small group with someone who you dreaded having a conversation with. Or you tried to think of ways beforehand to keep them from talking.

Recently, I attended a conference out of town, and as part of the conference, we were told to find 3-4 others who we didn't know, and sit down and talk about several questions together. I looked around for someone, and there was one guy who just looked lost, so I asked him to join me. We were looking for someone else, and spotted a guy sitting all by himself, so we approached him. (He actually looked like he was looking for a hole to crawl into.)

So the three of us talked--or should I saw that one talked, and the other two of us listened. I tried to redirect the conversation several times, but he always centered it back on him. (In spite of this man's serious dysfunction, one of his primary questions was how he could get ordained. I wanted to find his pastor and warn him.)

So what do you do with someone like this?

First, pray for them. Ask God what he is trying to teach you through this interaction. My experience is that God often puts someone into my life who can be "sandpaper" in my character development. So sincerely thank God for them. God, in His sovereignty, puts people together. And sometimes those combinations are interesting.

Second, give some forethought and prayer to how you can deal with them. Ask God to give you insight into what they really need. Is it attention, is it truth from God's Word, is it showing God's grace, is it the communication of a boundary?

Third, speaking of boundaries, decide what boundaries must be set for the group interaction and for your own personal interaction. Then graciously but firmly communicate those boundaries. Sometimes this is best done individually, and sometimes it is good to involve the whole group. You don't want it to come across as a personal attack. But truth must sometimes be presented.

Remember, you can't fix anyone, but God can. And God often uses people to help in that process. God died for every person, even those who are "difficult people". And when I think of Jesus, he often hung out with the misfits, kooks, and unlovely people. And you know, except for God's grace in my life, I would be one of those too.

Share God's grace and unconditional love, and then watch in amazement as God begins to transform your heart. And He often transforms others as they experience Jesus through you.

Life Group Participation

How do we encourage everyone to participate in Life Group? In reality, this is a question of ownership.

There are two kinds of people who attend a Life Group. First, there are those who say, "I go to Kevin's group." They see a Life Group as something they attend--just one choice on the menu of options in their week. They are part of a group because of what they can get out of it.

Then there are those who say, "This is my Life Group." They have decided that this is their group--ownership. They realize that group is not just something to attend, it is relational connections that add value to each person's life, including theirs. They are part of a group because of what they can give to others.

So, I think the fundamental answer to getting people to participate is to encourage them to buy in to ownership. And, how do we do that?

• Use the covenant to establish expectations. People won't buy into ownership unless they understand what is expected. Further, the covenant gives them a chance to voice preferences. This should be discussed in your first or second meeting.
  
• Help people see the benefit of attending the meeting, and connecting in relationships.
• Delegate responsibilities such as bringing food or snacks or making phone calls and emails.
• Ask others to facilitate the discussion, or lead the prayer time.
• Ask others to host the meeting in their home.
• Give forethought to the seating arrangement, so that each person has eye contact with others.
  

I would love to hear how you have encouraged participation in your group. Please email me your ideas.

Communication

This past Sunday, we started 8 new Life Groups at RCC. When starting a new group, the first thing necessary is COMMUNICATION. You cannot overcommunicate.

By the way, this is not important only for new groups, it is important for a group in any stage.

So why is communication from the leader so important?

• It lets people know the obvious things "when" and "where".
• It helps to establish expectations and ease fears.
• It helps the group get to know the leader.
• It affirms that someone is valuable--someone took the time to tell them something.
  
• It can establish the sense of belonging to a group.

What should a leader communicate to the group?

• Time and place.
• What is happening with food or snacks.
• What are we doing with children.
• Do they need to prepare in any way (bring Bible or curriculum, homework, reading, etc.)
• Starting time and ending time.

How should a leader communicate?

A leader should communicate in any way that is effectively received by each individual. Remember, communciate is not just saying--it is not complete until the "receiver" has understood what the "speaker" intended them to hear. Some methods of communication are:

• Face to face
• telephone
• email
• social networking sites like Facebook
• Twitter
• Smoke signals

(the value of the last two is yet to be determined)

Seriously, I have seen all of the above used to communciate in our Life Groups (the smoke signal is a stretch). You have to find out what works for your group. And don't be afraid to try something different. Communication in an unexpected way can yield the greatest benefit. There are some definite advantages of each one, and that might be the subject of another blog entry. But make sure that you communicate.

Would anyone know...

Today I talked to a friend who spent the entire week in the hospital taking care of her elderly mother. She described a roller coaster week of dealing with the hourly changes in her mother's health. One moment they were planning her funeral, the next they were realizing she could be in the hospital a long time, the next day they were preparing for her to come home.

Then I discovered that some of her "friends" did not know for a full week about this.

Some questions came to me. If I was dealing with the hospitalization of a loved one, who would I want to know? Who would I call? Who would they notify? And this notification process--is it gossip or sharing among people who really care?

If you notice, I have more questions than answers. But if we are to continue to grow as a church, then we must develop a culture where relationships and communication are decentralized. We must develop a system where relationships and connections occur naturally, instead of relying on the church office to keep people informed. That is small church thinking.

• Small church thinking relies on the pastor to care; we must develop culture where care happens because the people care.
• Small church thinking control communication; we must create systems where communcation is intentional and natural.
• Small church thinking stifles leadership creativity; we must free lay leaders to really lead.
• Small church thinking is often "it's all about me"; we must continually re-focus people to look outward.

This next week, we are evaluating and working on our systems for assimilation. And if we get our assimilation system right, people will be cared for.

The question would not be"Would anyone know...?" Because no one has to ask, "would anyone care...?"